January has been really really bad for me. Which also means it's a bad start of the year. Although I have met really positive people in my life who had thought me to be really positive about my view towards things, sometimes when I sit down and really think about my life and how things are going, I just want to kill myself. Because there are so many things that ain't going my way no matter how hard I try to achieve it. Not that I want to be pessimistic, but the things that are actually happening right now makes me a pessimist. Like everytime I try to be positive about things, they turn out undesirable. See?! It's not me!!
So anyway today I wana blog about my dreams, so that when I have achieved it, I look back and see how far I have actually gone.
Anyone who knows me will know that I've been dancing since 10, quit at 12, went back at 13 for my four years in secondary school. After my Os, because of the lack of opportunities, I stopped. Recently (okay actually half a year + a month ago), I went back to take classes again. Not professional ones because my time doesn't allow me to. And then I've been really into it. I'm not very good at it, maybe out of 10 people, I'm rank the second..... from the bottom. Haha seriously right after so many years.. But hey I'm willing to learn, and I'm willing to take any hardship. Since many years ago, I've already decided that I want to make performing arts my life and my career, but does life allow me to? No. Because taking up professional dance classes is really costly. But am I going to give up on my dreams? No. These days, I've became even more determined to make it part of my life.
My family and some friends always tell me, "being a performer, you have a shelf life, once you expire, you have no experience in anything except performing, then who is going to hire you?" & also things like "you can take it as a leisure thing, just not a lifetime thing", And all the shit comments that nobody really wants to hear. I admit it's true but we only live once. If this once I do not accomplish what I want to accomplish, when can I accomplish it? The other day I came across this picture.
It's captioned, "Sometimes it's people who love you the most that try to kill your dreams". HOW TRUE IS THAT.
Because I'm not from a well to do family, because I don't have a father, that's why no one is willing to support me financially to help me achieve my dreams to be in the performing arts field. So I depend on myself. Sometimes I spend all my savings to take up classes and all, till at the end of the day, I don't have enough money for a simple lunch at a hawker centre. When I tell my family, "oh I don't have money for lunch already", they will tell me "you keep going shopping and shopping, of course always no money".
Comments like this always make me think through and think through again if I really want to be in the PA field. Sometimes I really want to give up and then get a 9-5 job. Five days a week, get to the office, stare at the computer, go home, have dinner and sleep. One day gone. And then we have to do it for the rest of our lives. How boring will life be. And of course, I tell them about how boring life could get if I have a 9-5 job. Then they'll go, "you want to be bored or you want to live with not enough money?" I'll tell you that I do not want to be bored because office jobs are totally not what I can do. Because none of my family members are from PA, they totally do not understand at all how it is to be in love with PA. When I try to explain to them, they'll be like "don't be naive lah, how long can you stay in this?"
Also when in sec sch when people we were all busy aiming to go to the courses we want, I was very fickle minded. One moment I wanted to aim for accountancy, then the next moment when I was in the F1-in-schools team I wanted to get into engineering (wtf can u believe it). But it has always been dance that I have been wanting to aim for. But in the end I decided to get into a normal course that was "usable" because I thought I could take up dance outside. How wrong I was. Nobody is willing to support me now.
Been really stressed about this issue for quite some time already especially when I gotta take out almost half of my salary every month to pay for the housing loan which is not even under my name wtf. I'm the most disadvantaged one in this situation but let's not talk about this. But the more I think about it, the more determined I am to go achieve my dreams no matter how hard it can get. I heard this phrase from my dance instructor in secondary school "In my career, I rather do what I like and go to work happily everyday than to drag myself to work everyday, even if the salary is higher" and till today, I remember it, and I will remember it for life because it had a great impact on the way I made my decisions. Since I've been thinking about taking up dance as a lifetime thing for quite a period of time already, I think that it's pretty obvious if it's the right choice for me or not.
So what I wana say is that, yes, your family is very important and they want to give you the best, but sometimes what they think is the best might not be the best for you. Dont live to keep up to your family's expectations. Do what you think is the best for you. Once you succeed, you will be proud of yourself, and your family will be even prouder of you (maybe embarrassed also because they thought you couldn't do it from the start haha).
Thank you for reading my little rant xxxxxxxxxx.
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