Insecurities.

Have been contemplating whether to write this blog post for the longest time now. Reason being it might change the way people look and judge me forever and I have so many of them they could eat me alive. But I guess since I am turning the big 2 this year, I need to think more maturely that not all people think the same as I do. Sure, there might be some who still will judge me. It's perfectly fine, I don't blame them because judging others is human nature. And I do admit at some point in time, I judge everybody that walks past me. But if you want to judge, and if it's negative, keep the comments to yourself. Or if you can't, discuss it amongst your group of friends. Letting the negative thoughts out to the whole world will not benefit your life, neither will it benefit the other party's life.

1) My jaw & chin

This is probably the biggest insecurity I will ever have in my life. Most of the people around me envy the jaw I have, because they tell me it's v shape. I feel very thankful for their comments. It made my confidence level go up a little. But at the end of the day, when I look into the mirror or take a selfie, the confidence level goes down to negative again. Why? Because the jaw is shifted towards the right. That means my right jaw is slightly, actually very, bigger than my left jaw. In short, my whole face is slanted. And also the reason why I take pictures like that.

I realised this when I was 15, when I was taking a photograph for my IC. Then when I was 16, when I went to the dentist to get braces, the first thing he said to me was "I realised your jaw is a little bit more towards the right". I don't blame him, cus it's his job to ask me whether this irritating jaw affects my bite. Sadly it doesn't affect me a lot but he still asked me if I wanted to shift my jaw back to the correct position through surgery. But hey, I was 16 at that time. And the surgery will cost me at least a $16k. I did not proceed. Then you will say "got meh? Your right jaw got bigger than the left meh? Your Instagram selfies look okay to me leh". It's Instagram my dear, never believe all that you see on social media is true. If you realised, most of the pictures, I will shift my face to the left a little more, or when taking group pictures, I will stand to the left so that I don't show my right jaw. Even with this, it's also through numerous editing on my face that I allow myself to post it up. In fact, I have gotten so used to editing my jaw on pictures that I can do it within a minute now. 

I am actually so bothered by it that I seldom post Instavids or snapchat with my face. And I even set my Facebook settings to the "approve manually" one, just in case my friends tag me with a picture showing an extremely uneven jaw. 

How uneven is uneven? Let me show you.

Is it obvious enough now?

Then onwards to my chin, it's protruding out more than it should. So if you see me from my side profile, I basically look like the cartoon version of Maleficient.

And me.

I am honestly extremely amazed by the level of similarity wtf. 

Pictures on my Instagram showing my side profile are obviously edited at the chin. Same goes to the above, the one I posted on Instagram is the edited version. 

I've always wanted to make YouTube videos, vlog etc but my jaw is an obstacle to me. Still trying to find the confidence for that.......

Many times when I have nothing to do I will just hit my right jaw and chin hoping they will move to a better position. Obviously it won't. 

2) Braces

I mentioned previously that I got braces when I was 16/17. The start of my braces journey was actually way before that, when I was 12.

I already booked appointments with the clinic to get braces done, but it wasn't till I was 16 till its done because my last "milk" teeth fell when I was 14 (later than most people). When I was 12, the crooked teeth didn't actually bother me so much. I wanted to get braces just because I like the different colors and brackets on my teeth. It wasn't until 13 when I was in secondary one that's crooked teeth actually bothered me so much. 

"Crystal looks like a vampire when she laughs." 

That comment made by my classmate changed my life forever. That very day onwards, I have been looking forward to all the dental appointments because I wanted to get the braces as fast as I could. When the last "milk" teeth fell out the "adult" teeth came out, I was elated for the following dental appointment. But no, the dentist recommends me to put the braces at an older age where I am almost complete with puberty because of, again, my jaw. Because I didn't opt for the surgery, the dentist tried his best to use braces to correct my jaw as much as possible. Till this day, despite the pain during braces, the trouble of having to wear and wash the retainers, this 3k spent on fixing my teeth was the best decision I have ever made. And perhaps the only proud thing that I am proud of in myself.

Look at 'em teeth. 

3) Lips

Everybody, literally everybody I see for the day will ask me "eh you very tired ah?", "are you in a bad mood?". No I am not tired and no I am not in a bad mood. It's just because my lips arches down by default. So it makes me look like this. 

And so I tried to smile more often so they don't look so arched down. Then people ask me "walking alone also smile smile ah?", "why you smiling to yourself?" 

I don't know what the society wants. 

4) erm. Boobs. 

This might be the most private thing that I am sharing but this is also the thing that is bugging me the most, along with my jaw. 

Yes, they are too big I feel. It's not even like "omg you have a nice jaw but your chest is like an airport runway so who's the real winner here" kind of thing. People have boobs. But they have boobs of the correct size. And I have always envied people with small boobs. You do not tell me that I "complain too much" and "feel lucky" and "embrace what I've got" because no, you do not feel lucky and embrace what you've got when you cannot even fit into "free size" clothes that are sold in Bugis, Scape and blogshops. Free size clothes is a no size for me. I mean they do fit at the shoulders and abdomen area, but it is never with fail always the chest area that doesn't fit. 

The only clothes I can get from Bugis, Scape and blogshops are the oversized clothes. "Oversized dress", "oversized jersey tee", oversized this oversized that. But oversized to me is a normal size because the chest area simply takes up too much cloth.

And for the same reason, dresses (like the above knee kind) is always too short for me. If I get the below knee kind... Then it just looks below the knee. Not my style. 

Then we have button up blouses. I have no choice but to go for bigger sized ones which leaves it looking very saggy at my abdomen area but looking like I'm exploding at my chest area.

If you have seen me with a backpack, you will know that most of the times, I carry my backpack in the front. Or else I will carry a folder or whatever just so I can cover up. 

Sometimes people around me will be like "wah your boobs very big, wear v neck, sexy sia", "got bikini sale!!! You want I buy for you? Wear already confirm very sexy". Does it make your life any better by saying these? Cus' it doesn't make mine any better. It's offensive to me and my confidence goes down to more negative than negative. 

It also makes me look very fat. 

I've even contemplated to reduce my boobs size and it's just a matter of time. 

5) Hips

My hip bones are protruding till the point it scares me. Its not that I'm fat that my hips are really huge (okay yes I am fat but that is not the point). Even when I was so much skinnier in secondary school, I always had this hip bone problem. 

You all know how most of the school skirts are non-elastic and it's the hook and zip kind. My school skirt was that kind. Because of my hips, I had to get a really big size (because high waist wasn't in the trend then). At the end of the day, my hipbones hurt. And I had to face this every single day (except when there is no school) for 2 years before I decided to get a new skirt which was a size bigger. Only one size bigger. But this time I could pull the skirt all the way down without having to unhook. It was too loose that I have to switch back to my old skirt and endure the sore hipbones for another 2 years. 

Today, without school skirts, I am less bothered by it because I can always wear really long tops to cover them up. It only bothers me if I take full body pictures. 

After you've read everything here, you might just label me as #fake, #everyphotoalsoedit but say that to yourself cus I don't need to know. I admit that I will be very affected by every negative comment that is made towards me so I choose to be ignorant about it, and not because I am an ignorant person. Don't get me wrong. It also took me a lot of courage to post this up so I hope the courage won't go to a waste. I have a lot more that I am insecure about but I'm telling you the more major ones that have been affecting my everyday life not because I want you to pity me. But it's because I want to tell you that even with these insecurities, I think I am still quite a happy person.

Thank you to all my friends who stayed despite me being a negative person. I always tell my bbg that I always look up to plump and obese people who dares to wear a bikini because I will never ever have the courage to wear a bikini without a bikini body. And then she will tell me, "it is okay what, embrace what you've got, no bikini body also can wear a bikini. If people judge you then let them judge, you don't know them anyway and they do not know you, why bother?" Even though a bikini (or something along that line) is still a big no for me, I always remember this phrase that she says because it always makes me feel a little bit better about myself. And yes, I will still continue to edit my selfies because it makes me happy and being happy makes me a better person. // (and as I was writing this my grandmother just came out of the room to tell me "you look damn fat". okay -.-)

Lastly,

X.